I know it's been a long time since I wrote here. I actually haven't had much of a public presence at all for months.
To be honest, I was in a very dark place. I didn't have the energy to pick up my computer and write anything here. It might've helped me work out some issues. But I just couldn't do it. I was drained physically and emotionally. My physical health was declining rapidly and my mental health followed.
The doctors still can not find out what's wrong with me health-wise. It's frustrating as most of my time is spent waiting. To see certain doctors, I often have to wait 2-3 months for a first appointment. They don't consider my health an emergency. So day in and day out, as sick as I am, they don't care.
I think I just finally snapped. Felt I had no hope anymore. I became horribly depressed. I was ready to accept that this is my life and I wanted to just sit back and let it take over.
I can't really say what changed. I don't know why I finally pulled myself out of that dark place. But I am working on it. I won't say that I'm all better. That would be a lie. When the sickness hits, of course I get emotional. I'm frustrated, I'm sad, I feel pathetic and hopeless. Moments like that probably affect anyone with a chronic illness. And I need to stop beating myself up when I feel down.
And I need to remember to get back up again each time I fall down.
I have renewed strength. I'm determined to fight.
I'm going to be pretty busy with the holidays coming up. I usually love Christmas and I want to make this a good one. Even if we can't afford a ton of gifts. I'll still decorate and cook and bake as much as my body will allow! And I'll try to pop in on here more often.
I want to thank all of you who have contacted me in the past few months asking if I was ok. I am grateful to know I am thought of and worried about. I'll try not to scare you all again like that!
