Withdrawal and more anxiety

My general physician won't refill my anti nausea medication. He wants me to make an appointment to see him, even after I told him I don't have health insurance or a job. Also, would've been nice if he had told me sooner. Instead, I went to refill my meds with a full week left, figuring that gave him plenty of time to approve the refill request. Usually it does. But suddenly, he changed his mind. But the office didn't contact me. I finally called them to complain when I ran out of pills and they told me I need an appointment. They then also told me that the Dr isn't available till April.

So I've been going about 3 weeks now without my anti nausea meds, and I'm going insane. I was taking them once a day, and then again if needed. And I honestly didn't always need them that much. But now that I'm out, of course, I feel I need them every day. I can't eat a thing without feeling super sick afterwards. I am not sure how much longer I can handle this with my phobia. The panic attacks are back with a vengeance.

I'm also going through withdrawl from my anti depressants. Same situation, my psychiatrist didn't tell me that I would need an appointment to get more. You are NOT supposed to quit taking anti depressants cold turkey. You are supposed to be weaned off slowly. I was not, because I just ran out and no one would refill my pills. I don't have $150 to go see her for more. And I can feel my moods going all over the place. I also think perhaps my nausea may have a bit to do with this withdrawal too.

On the upside, I am in "in the system" and they "are processing" my paperwork for free health care. Though no one can actually tell me how long it'll take. It's already been two months since I sent the paperwork in...

Hi, I'm kedralynn

Hi, I'm Kedralynn. I'm the bipolar part of Amber. I like to listen to depressing music from the past and remember. I also really like to let loose and have a good time. I don't think about consequences and just live in the moment. I am danger, sadness and liveliness rolled into one. I drink and dance and love sex. I drive fast and sing out loud. I cry at random times and remember what it feels like to run a blade across my skin. I am what she tries to hide. And yet, I am her inspiration. I am her worst fears, and also her greatest hopes. I am the super highs. The good times buried in a million mistakes. I also made these mistakes, but I don't care much for regret.

No, I do not have two personalities. Kedralynn is not a separate entity acting on her own. But she is the bipolar me. The disease. The good and the bad of it. The magic and the mystery. Because of the dangers of the highs, I try to avoid them. I try to avoid the mood that is "Kedralynn." But she's been making an appearance more and more lately. Random tears multiple times a day, followed by dancing the cha cha in heels across the kitchen, while I make dinner. For her, the world sparkles. Or it's cased in darkness. And often, the idea of the world sparkling, makes the danger of the darkness forgettable. Kedralynn is a temptation. And she's hard to ignore sometimes...

My trip to the ER

Recently went to the emergency room. It wasn't my idea. Honestly, I could be dying, I'd rather not go to a hospital. All those people, all those germs... No thanks! My anxiety says no.

But my back was killing me. It felt like I was being stabbed in my kidneys. I worried about my kidneys as coffee made the pain worse and I am no longer able to tolerate alcohol. A friend told me these things were symptoms of her kidney disease.

Anyway, I was home alone and crying from the pain. I just wanted someone to sit with me.

As fate would have it, my fiance got off work early due to a machine breaking at work. He had no idea I was ill. But when he got home and saw me in tears, he said we're going to the ER. I of course tried to argue against it and said I was fine. Yeah, I wasn't fine and he's no idiot.

We made an appointment online, which saved us from having to sit in the waiting room for hours. I'm so glad we did because my anxiety would've never allowed such a thing. We were in and out in about an hour thanks to this online check in. And even that was very hard on me. I am glad I had my fiance there to hold my hand and distract me from all the sick people crowding in on us.

My urine sample was inconclusive. Probably because I was drinking a lot of water in hopes of it helping the kidney pain. In the end, the dr said it's probably a muscle or spine issue and gave me a bunch of pain killers and sent me on my way. He said to follow up with my physician later, get another urine sample and also have my back checked out if the pain persists. I didn't tell him that I don't have a physician or health insurance. I don't even want to think about the hospital bill if my Medi-Cal doesn't kick in soon and cover it.

Just more things to worry about...

Sorry I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for a while. Been overwhelmed with day to day errands. Also a few social situations that were honestly draining both physically and emotionally. I've been using the tools my therapist has given me, and I am getting by. But sometimes I wonder, is just getting by enough?

I will try and write more soon. I want to share a few tips for anxiety that my therapist has given me. But for now, I need a nap. I've been trying to catch up on sleep for about a week now, with little luck!