Panic Attack

Phew. Still recovering from a pretty bad panic attack. Thankfully, these have become fewer with my medication and exercise program. The nausea has been less frequent. Although, it still hits 3-5 days a week, but that's better than 7! As for the panic attacks, I've had a few small ones in the past month. But nothing like what I had today. This was like all the attacks I used to get every time I left the house, just months before. I forgot how bad they were.

I was tired. Sometimes this is a trigger. But I didn't feel exhausted. I actually thought, besides a mild bit of nausea and a sore throat, that I was feeling pretty good. So I decided to run to the store to pick up a few things that I had forgotten on the last shopping trip.

Even walking up the entrance, I felt ok. I had my list with only about 8 items on it. No biggie. I've done this plenty of times. It'll be easy.

Ya, nope! At this point, I can't even tell you when exactly the panic started to set in. The whole trip is a bit of a blur. I think it was almost instantly as soon as I was inside. First, just a little nervous. Slight shaking of my hands. I told myself I could do this and kept getting what I needed.

I do this thing where I tell myself "just get the next item on the list and you can run thru the self check out and go home." "Ok now that's done, just get this item on the list, because it's just 10 feet away, and then you can go home." It helps to break the list down and to remind myself that at any time, I can leave.

I think it got worse as I was stuck behind some people in an isle. I felt trapped. I needed to get by. Why won't they move? I feel sick! Help!

Then there's that moment where everything changes. Nausea sets in. A bad taste in the back of my throat. My body visibly shakes. I could barely grab the items I wanted without dropping them. My legs started to ache, then burn, with the struggle to hold me upright. Heat floods me. My vision blurs. I have tunnel vision now, darkness on the edges. Sweat is starting to form on my skin. I feel prickly. I feel hot. My fingers are numb.

Just grab this one last thing. Just one more. Come on. Oh my god, will I get sick here? Will I faint here? Will they look at me? Judge me? They already are staring at me. I must look like I'm on drugs.

I'm really not 100% sure how the rest of the trip went, I know now that I forgot a few items. And I obviously made it thru and got home.

I remember getting to my car, and collapsing into the driver's seat. I waited till the shaking lessened enough for me to drive. Thankfully, it is a short drive home, and I've done it enough that I can drive it on autopilot safely.

The moment I got into my house, I put up my hair and stripped off my clothes because everything felt too constricting. My skin felt raw and sensitive, and I didn't want anything touching it, except for cool water. But the fear of collapsing in the shower, kept me from taking one.

Usually, after a panic attack, I feel completely drained. It's what happens after the adrenaline wears off and I feel like just an empty shell.

My hands still shook as I started writing this. But they are calm now. Tho, they feel so weak and I can't type anymore. I think I'll rest on the couch, and distract myself with some tv until my strength returns.

Update & No longer lost

I haven't posted her in a long time because there haven't really been a lot to write about.

That's a lie. There's constant mood swings, constant pain, constant nausea, constant turmoil, constant anxiety, ect. But I guess it's become my normal. Or maybe I just don't want to be analyze it. And writing it here will force me to step back and look at it all.

Still waiting on some blood tests to be sure I have fibromyalgia. In the meantime, I'll still adjusting to the medication. It's given me worse headaches. Now I wake up with a headache and go to sleep with one. It sits with me all day. Sometimes worsening when I move. And I've gained 8 lbs now. That's upsetting because I worked really hard to lose 10 lbs last year and it all came back in 6 weeks. The doctor told me to just keep moving. I'm more active than before, eating decently, and gaining weight. All because of the pills. It's not fair. But at the same time, I don't want to give up this fibro medication either, because it really has helped me overall. I know we just need to find the right mixture of meds to get the best result and we're just getting started. But I gotta say it's frustrating because after all these years, I want to be better now!

There was one other incident. It doesn't have to do with my physical health, but my past with my mental health.

I was contacted by a person who quite frankly, used my own insecurities and vulnerability to his own gain. Now that was years ago. So I had more or less put it out of my mind. Until he contacted me. He asked how I was. Said he thinks of me. My first reaction was anger. "You have no right to ask me how I am!"

But perhaps it's maturity and wisdom that kept me from yelling at him. I realize that sure he took advantage of me, but I LET him. I made bad choices. It was a dark time in my life. I was lost, scared, desperate, confused. But I stayed in a bad situation. I allowed myself to be used.

It took me a few days after he had contacted me for me to let go of that anger and forgive him. I also had to forgive myself. I'm still working on that. Especially since that part of my life, even my fiance has issues with. He may never make peace with that part of me. But I know I must. I must forgive that lost girl that I was. I want her to know that she will become a strong woman. One who will battle an unseen illness day in and day out like a god damn Amazon warrior! And she won't be lost anymore. I'm no longer lost.

Sick, but still going!