Update & No longer lost

I haven't posted her in a long time because there haven't really been a lot to write about.

That's a lie. There's constant mood swings, constant pain, constant nausea, constant turmoil, constant anxiety, ect. But I guess it's become my normal. Or maybe I just don't want to be analyze it. And writing it here will force me to step back and look at it all.

Still waiting on some blood tests to be sure I have fibromyalgia. In the meantime, I'll still adjusting to the medication. It's given me worse headaches. Now I wake up with a headache and go to sleep with one. It sits with me all day. Sometimes worsening when I move. And I've gained 8 lbs now. That's upsetting because I worked really hard to lose 10 lbs last year and it all came back in 6 weeks. The doctor told me to just keep moving. I'm more active than before, eating decently, and gaining weight. All because of the pills. It's not fair. But at the same time, I don't want to give up this fibro medication either, because it really has helped me overall. I know we just need to find the right mixture of meds to get the best result and we're just getting started. But I gotta say it's frustrating because after all these years, I want to be better now!

There was one other incident. It doesn't have to do with my physical health, but my past with my mental health.

I was contacted by a person who quite frankly, used my own insecurities and vulnerability to his own gain. Now that was years ago. So I had more or less put it out of my mind. Until he contacted me. He asked how I was. Said he thinks of me. My first reaction was anger. "You have no right to ask me how I am!"

But perhaps it's maturity and wisdom that kept me from yelling at him. I realize that sure he took advantage of me, but I LET him. I made bad choices. It was a dark time in my life. I was lost, scared, desperate, confused. But I stayed in a bad situation. I allowed myself to be used.

It took me a few days after he had contacted me for me to let go of that anger and forgive him. I also had to forgive myself. I'm still working on that. Especially since that part of my life, even my fiance has issues with. He may never make peace with that part of me. But I know I must. I must forgive that lost girl that I was. I want her to know that she will become a strong woman. One who will battle an unseen illness day in and day out like a god damn Amazon warrior! And she won't be lost anymore. I'm no longer lost.

Sick, but still going!