Panic Attack

Phew. Still recovering from a pretty bad panic attack. Thankfully, these have become fewer with my medication and exercise program. The nausea has been less frequent. Although, it still hits 3-5 days a week, but that's better than 7! As for the panic attacks, I've had a few small ones in the past month. But nothing like what I had today. This was like all the attacks I used to get every time I left the house, just months before. I forgot how bad they were.

I was tired. Sometimes this is a trigger. But I didn't feel exhausted. I actually thought, besides a mild bit of nausea and a sore throat, that I was feeling pretty good. So I decided to run to the store to pick up a few things that I had forgotten on the last shopping trip.

Even walking up the entrance, I felt ok. I had my list with only about 8 items on it. No biggie. I've done this plenty of times. It'll be easy.

Ya, nope! At this point, I can't even tell you when exactly the panic started to set in. The whole trip is a bit of a blur. I think it was almost instantly as soon as I was inside. First, just a little nervous. Slight shaking of my hands. I told myself I could do this and kept getting what I needed.

I do this thing where I tell myself "just get the next item on the list and you can run thru the self check out and go home." "Ok now that's done, just get this item on the list, because it's just 10 feet away, and then you can go home." It helps to break the list down and to remind myself that at any time, I can leave.

I think it got worse as I was stuck behind some people in an isle. I felt trapped. I needed to get by. Why won't they move? I feel sick! Help!

Then there's that moment where everything changes. Nausea sets in. A bad taste in the back of my throat. My body visibly shakes. I could barely grab the items I wanted without dropping them. My legs started to ache, then burn, with the struggle to hold me upright. Heat floods me. My vision blurs. I have tunnel vision now, darkness on the edges. Sweat is starting to form on my skin. I feel prickly. I feel hot. My fingers are numb.

Just grab this one last thing. Just one more. Come on. Oh my god, will I get sick here? Will I faint here? Will they look at me? Judge me? They already are staring at me. I must look like I'm on drugs.

I'm really not 100% sure how the rest of the trip went, I know now that I forgot a few items. And I obviously made it thru and got home.

I remember getting to my car, and collapsing into the driver's seat. I waited till the shaking lessened enough for me to drive. Thankfully, it is a short drive home, and I've done it enough that I can drive it on autopilot safely.

The moment I got into my house, I put up my hair and stripped off my clothes because everything felt too constricting. My skin felt raw and sensitive, and I didn't want anything touching it, except for cool water. But the fear of collapsing in the shower, kept me from taking one.

Usually, after a panic attack, I feel completely drained. It's what happens after the adrenaline wears off and I feel like just an empty shell.

My hands still shook as I started writing this. But they are calm now. Tho, they feel so weak and I can't type anymore. I think I'll rest on the couch, and distract myself with some tv until my strength returns.