Dropping a bombshell

I have been nothing but open and honest here about all aspects of my life. Well most of them. Some parts involve family members who wish to not be talked about. And that's hard as some of that really shaped and changed me. But I'll respect that.

Anyway, I considered not writing this entry. I thought long and hard about it. I felt I had to tell my family first.

So what is the bombshell? Well, last week I had a miscarriage.

I didn't even know I was pregnant. Let's face it, I'm nauseous 24/7 anyway, so I didn't notice a difference. My body is always sore, and I'm always moody. I got a period like normal, but that doesn't mean much. My mom told me she had her period the entire pregnancy she had with me.

Anyway, this was a hard loss for me. Yes, I hadn't know I was pregnant. So it's not like I had painted a nursery and picked out names. But to find out in the same day that I had a baby and it was gone was a lot to take in.

I want to be a mother. I know I'd be good at it. But I also know that I'm not ready. My physical and mental health makes it so I'm not in a good place to have a baby. But I mourned just the same.

I was put on bed rest, which sucked because then I had all the time in the world to just sit there and think about the baby I lost. I tried to lose myself in stupid tv shows. And sometimes it worked. But other times, it didn't.

I'm still torn up about it. Still a little heart broken. Talking with my mom helped some though. When I told her, she felt my pain. She showed up at my door with chocolate cake and took me shopping. We talked about why I didn't tell her right away. I didn't want to bother her, she has so much going on. I also just didn't want to talk about it in general. I wasn't ready to admit it to myself, let alone anyone else.

But here I am, again pouring my heart into this blog. I am human. I make mistakes. And I ache. I get kicked down. I feel bad for myself. But then I get up again. I'm not standing just yet. But I will be. And when we are ready for kids, I'm going to be a damn good mother.