The physical battle

I struggle from physical ailments as well as the mental. And I know this blog is supposed to be about my mental health. But how I feel physically affects how I feel emotionally.

I feel my body failing me. Day in and day out. The healthcare system is also failing me. Be it finding health insurance or a doctor who actually gives a damn. And that's quite a strain.

There are very bad days. Such as today. Where I just keep crying about it all. I am tired of being sick. Tired of not being able to do what healthy people take for granted. I start to think the worst. About dying. I can't handle getting worse than I already am. I don't feel emotionally strong enough to feel any worse. Losing control of my body is scaring me. It's tearing me apart. It's breaking me.

But every day, I get up and I face it again. I wake up feeling sick each morning, and all I can do is take my meds and pray I'll feel better. Well enough to do something. Anything. Clean or cook or maybe go out shopping for food. Those are my small victories. Going to the damn grocery store. I celebrate my ability to do just that. What life is this when that is something to cheer about?

And if I manage to go a whole day without crying, I feel I've experienced a miracle.

I thank you all for your support. Those who know me and those who only know my stuff on DA and these words here. I am not alone in this. And I will keep reminding myself of that. So I can get up again tomorrow and try to achieve one more small victory. Every time I can push my body to function like a normal persons' body, I will rejoice. At least a little. And I'll keep battling. I'll keep striving. I'll keep on. But I'll be honest, some days I don't want to. But I will.