I want to be honest about something. Not that I was lying before. I just never knew or accepted the answer till now. Why do I take so many photos of myself?
The short answer - my anxieties, phobias and fears.
They held me back from so much...
I was just thinking about my friend again, Monty. How we met online and what things were like a long time ago on DeviantArt. And all the times we talked about meeting up, but never did. Actually, there were quite a few people that I wanted to meet back then, but never did.
It was the fears, the anxieties, my flaws that held me back. And oh how I regret it now.
Clearly, getting on a plane and going to a strange place wasn't an option. I also held back in my friendships due to a very abusive ex. Didn't matter if it was a male or female, he wouldn't like me talking all hours on the phone with someone who wasn't him. He definitely wasn't about to help me hop on a plane or train or bus or even drive me somewhere. Yes, I know now that was bad. That's why I'm no longer with him. But that whole fiasco is a story for another time.
Photographing myself in my own home was the easiest. I don't like going out to new places. I don't like meeting new people. The anxiety attacks often send me running back for home. They prevent me from traveling far. But guess what, it also kept me from traveling outside my own door.
And if I'm honest, it's still there. Some days, I can go out and do stuff, with someone I feel safe with. Some days I can't. Some days, I can make it a few hours away from home and be ok. Other days, 15 minutes away is enough and I need to go back.
How does one go out and photograph a band if you're having a panic attack and trying to figure out the fasted way out of there? How can you photograph friends when you don't even want to go to the nearby park to shoot them?
So I photograph me because I'm here. I've gained weight, I've aged, I don't like how I look in photos anymore. I'd love a new model. But with the lack of friends (because who wants to be friends with a girl who never leaves her home?) and lack of ability to leave, that's tricky. I haven't found someone who's comfortable coming here and being confined to my home for photos.
Now I've told everyone that I take self portraits for therapy. And that is also true. I found this most evident when Monty died. I had a pain in me and had to get it out. Cutting is no longer an option. Drinking myself senseless and taking pills would upset him. So I took pictures. I created. I captured my pain in photos that are so raw, I probably won't ever share them with anyone. But I was able to breathe again afterwards. I felt slightly lighter. And posting them eased the pain just a little more. So I was never lying about my art being therapy. But I was hiding a big part of the picture.
More to regret I suppose. But also, more to work on. And work on it I will!
*gives you a hug because she knows you need it*
ReplyDeleteAwww thank you sweetie!
DeleteI've been following you on DeviantArt for a very long time and been along on the ride for the trials and tribulations that you have been comfortable enough to share there. I'm glad you've started shooting again, especially if it is proving a healthy form of catharsis. I hope it helps bring you further out of the darkness and allows you to embrace what love and light the remainder of the world outside your door has to offer.
ReplyDeleteYou remain to me as you have always been: a lovely, talented woman with a gift for creating lovely images.
Good Journey, m'lady.
(I wish the website hadn't eaten my first draft of this comment; it seemed more eloquent. Oh well.)
Sorry it deleted your first draft! But I think the second post is eloquent as well. And thank you :)
DeleteHoney, I think you are beautiful in so many ways and that is why I chose to paint you. I see it in you, and it radiates though your eyes. I know how hard it is to be so raw, but sharing your story is not only a way of releasing pain, it may help others going though something similar. Know that you are in my heart. XO!!
ReplyDeleteThank you dear. It does help when I hear from people who say "hey you inspired me" or "you made me feel less alone." It is a big part of why I share.
DeleteThank you <3
I am, and have been, such a fan for a few years now. Our society is very tough regarding women and their self-image, and I guess that is exaggerated in your case. Trust me, you're still a beautiful woman on the outside, but more importantly on the inside. Keep fighting, Kedra. BTW, I'm sure that if you ask you can find a lot of models who would love to be photographed by you. Angelo Amichevole
ReplyDeleteThank you. You've always been a great supporter and I appreciate it!
DeleteWe've never met, though I've watched you on DeviantArt for a good while and we've swapped replies in this Journal once or twice. I think you were among the first photographers I actually put a +Watch on. So because of that and from reading here, each time I see a new photo from you I feel a bit of pride because I know sometimes you may really not want to, or may dislike how you look, but persevere and do it anyway.
ReplyDeletePhoto's that feel staged or "fake" for want of a better word, are easy to come by. Whenever I come across one of yours the emotion is real and comes through.
Your photo's have always been expressive and if taking self-portraits helps, then take as many as you feel you need to. Nobody can judge you or tell you it's wrong because it's what makes you feel better, so do as much or as little as you feel you need to.
We, the ones who follow your work, see the beauty within and without because that's what we give to you in return for you giving a bit of yourself - your photo's and the feelings behind them - to us.
Thank you. It was honestly very hard in the beginning to handle all the negative comments that I got over doing self portraits. That's when I disabled comments on DA. I wasn't emotionally strong enough and always felt that I had to explain myself. Being older, wiser and more mature, I now don't feel I need to apologize for any of it. But I still get the hate mail. Still get told I'm narcissistic. But at least I know I'm not.
DeleteThank you for the support and I hope you continue to enjoy my work.
I first noticed you on deviantArt about 11 years ago (I can't believe I've been on DA that long.)
ReplyDeleteand was instantly drawn to your gallery. I was sometimes disturbed by your photos but I respected
you as an artist. About 13 years ago I was laid off from my job of 11 and a half years and went through terrible depression for about 4 years with no insurance and no hope of the career I went to school for. None of that compares to the problems you face on a daily basis. I followed you on DA and Fav'd and commented as positively as I could. I have this genetic generosity thing where I help people out where and when I can. I go by the name borgboy7 on DA. If you need an ear contact me. And remember one thing, everyone is a little narcissistic, but we're not all narcissists. ;)