The loss of a friend

This journal entry should've been written a week ago. I kept telling myself I'd write it. Kept debating if I should. And how to do it. Do I write exactly how I feel? It is my blog after all. Or do I remain diplomatic?

On Feb 2nd, I found out a good friend of mine had died. Monty Oum. Well known around the world. A very thoughtful and brilliant man. A genius who worked his butt off for everything he ever had. Many knew him as an animator. I knew him as friend. For over a decade. And tho we never met in person, we knew each other's lives. Shared death and life. Happiness and depression.

Feb 2nd. It was such a good day. I wasn't as nauseous or in as much pain as usual. So I took advantage and ran to the store and made sweet mexican corn cake while my Irvin cleaned house. It was one of his days off and we try to make the most of his time home. After the success of the corn cake, we went and got Starbucks and went mattress shopping. Our old one has been killing our backs. We got a great deal on a mattress and strapped it to the roof of the car and took it home. Then off to the hardware store for some things to reinforce our bed frame for the new mattress. Being as busy as we had been all day, I hadn't look at my phone or the computer.

Then it happened, I was in the car in the parking lot of an Orchard Supply, sipping my coffee and relaxing, while Irvin ran inside. And I got a message on my phone from another old friend who was part of our little group on DA with Monty, myself and others. The message was a link to a news article saying Monty was dead.

Dead? News article? It's a hoax right? He was just alive. I had spoken with him not even a full 2 weeks before. How? Shock was obviously the first emotion. Then it started to sink in. Coffee was thrown and tears were shed. When Irvin came back, I choked out the news, wailing and thrashing. He held me in the car, there in the OSH parking lot as I cried myself out. My beautiful perfect day was gone.

The past week hasn't been easy. Besides feeling shock and grief, I feel regret and guilt. Guilt that I let our friendship slide from talking daily to just random Facebook correspondences here and there. Regret that I never met him in person. He was here in California for most of our friendship. But with my phobias and anxiety and controlling boyfriends, traveling even a few hours never seemed an option. And I thought I'd have more time. At least once a year, Monty and I would talk about meeting up. And then we'd get busy and it wouldn't happen. But there was always next year.

Its been some time since I've lost someone close to me. Perhaps I forgot how to grieve. All I know is that I haven't been myself since Feb 2nd. I wake up each morning and check my phone, hoping that someone will say they made a mistake and Monty is alive. I go thru out old emails. Dug up artwork he made of me. Watch videos of him. Go thru photos. More of less torturing myself.

I know he wouldn't want this for me. He was pretty pushy when it came to moving on. Bad break up? Yeah, there's better out there, move on. Well, my friend, I am trying. As he said "keep moving forward." So I'm putting one foot in front of the other, and hoping at some point, I won't have to think about moving my feet. That I'll be walking and then maybe even running.

Here's a collaboration done with my photo and his rendering and vision.

Grief.