Let's just say it's not a good night for me. I'm angry, upset, moody, and anxious. I'm short on my Xanax again and have to wait 5 days to get more. So I went to the local gas station/convenient store to get coke to go with my Jack Daniels. Yes I know, don't mix your pills with alcohol! Let me just say that sometimes you have to do some dark and not so safe things to get through the now. And you worry about the ramifications later.
The drive was ok. But when I got out of my car, in a not so safe neighborhood mind you, at night, I had to struggle with each step. I had to remind myself to breathe. To not shake. To not look so vacant in the eyes. I don't want to get mistaken for a junkie in that neighborhood! I made it in and out pretty quickly and back to my car, where I had to calm my breathing. I just sat there, thinking, how did I come to this? After all the years of hard work I put into trying to manage this thing, how can it still have power over me?
How can it turn me into a shaking, raging, maniac of a person. Someone who doesn't know if she wants to scream, cry, cut, or break something? How can it still control my life?
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