The way things are

I get so tired sometimes of not being "normal." Of the limitations I have.

Just last night, my fiance and I went out for a late night snack. We realized we hadn't eaten in a long time and I'd say it was maybe 10:30 at night when we headed out. Our options were pretty much junk food and more junk food. So we drove around rather aimlessly trying to decide where to go.

I already wasn't feeling well. Kind of anxious and nauseous. I stopped being able to say more than "uh huh" in the car. Well it came out more like just a grunt.

We started getting farther away from home. The farther we got, the more anxious I got. I had to roll down the window to let the cold night air in. I pulled my knees up to my chest in my car seat. I started touching my face a lot. I didn't want to say anything. I didn't want him to think me pathetic for freaking out because we were a whole 10 minutes away from home.

Finally, he turned back towards home and I let out a "thank god!" I admitted that I was freaking out. He asked why. "I'm with you, you're safe, why are you panicking?" How do I explain? How do that I say that I have this irrational fear? That if I do throw up or pass or have a full blown panic attack, that I want to be home. I just wanted to be home. Home is safe.

The rest of the ride was quiet. I started thinking how unfair this is to my fiance. He didn't sign up for this. I was mostly functioning ok when we met. He didn't see the full extent of my disorders until the past couple of years. I wonder sometimes if he resents me. Or at least resents my illness just as I do. I started thinking maybe we need to talk. Maybe I should give him an out. A chance to pack up and leave rather than stay with a woman who panics when she leaves the house.

I feel like only part of a person. And just a fraction of what I could be if I were "normal." But this is the way things are. And even with the meds and techniques my therapist suggested for those with PTSD, my bipolar disorder and all it's ailments that come with it, is a life long condition. There are no cures. Just ways to try to cope. And there will always be cycles where I'm fine and then worse and then fine again. Does he want to deal with that for the next 40 years? I don't even want to deal with it that long. But I have no choice. This is my life.