Denied

I was denied disability. I know some of you are reading this in other countries so I'm not sure if you know what that is. Basically, had I been approved, I would've gotten free healthcare and also money from the government to help support me as I can not work. I can't even leave my house most days.

But I was denied. Perhaps because I was once able to function in society like a normal person. Had I never worked at all before, they would've taken my claim now more seriously. Which is silly. I should not be punished for once having my life together.

It's the PTSD. Something changed in me when I got physically sick 2 years ago. The physical problems (constant nausea, diarrhea, body aches, exhaustion, confusion and fainting) led to a mental breakdown. And it's only getting worse.

But the doctor who examined me for my disability claim said I was "curable" and therefore will be denied. He said I looked fine. Healthy, well groomed, ect. Um, I hadn't showered in days, was in mis matching sweats and no make up. 2 years ago, I would've never dreamed of leaving my house without make up and a nice pair of high heels. So what does he know?

Regardless of how this decision came about or why. I am suffering more now than ever. Disability was my last hope. I was also denied just the free healthcare. Which is silly as I don't work and am now, under law, am required to have health insurance. So where do they expect me to get the money to pay for it?

This news has caused even more panic attacks and an even deeper depression to sink in. I am scared and lost. Not sure where to turn now for the aid I need. How will I pay the $150 for my psychiatric appointments? How will I pay $227 for one medicine that I need (that's a 2 month supply) and the $500 for the other medicine that I need (for a 3 month supply)? Not to mention all the cheaper medicines that will surely add up to hundreds in a year as well?

My boyfriend has been supporting me. But it's wearing him down. He can't handle much more. Too many long hours at work has made him cranky. I think he may also be bitter. Angry at me for putting us in this place where I am unable to contribute to the relationship financially. Not to mention adding more bills and more stress to the situation.

So what will I do? I'll fight of course. Between panic attacks, I'll appeal the decision for my disability. I don't want permanent disability. I just want some help so I can get better. An easing of stress so I can focus on my health. Is that asking too much? To the government, I guess it is. But I'm going to damn well try my best anyway. Because living a life like this is not living.