The Mania

My doctor recently put me on an antidepressant to help with the anxiety. As I've stated before, these can be dangerous for anyone with bipolar disorder. I'm supposed to increase my dose of my mood stabilizer to counteract the antidepressant. But the mood stabilizer mixed with the anti nausea pill and the other anti anxiety pill put me to sleep. I don't like napping through most of the day. So I'm not taking as much of the mood stabilizer as I should.

And I can feel it. The mania. The energy. The high. The feeling of being invincible. Wild. Untamed. Bouncing off the walls. Even though my hands still shake, and I still feel anxious, I also feel I can do anything. Suddenly, I'm cleaning my house for the first time in months. And I'm sure my house is grateful. It needed it! I'm running errands I wouldn't have thought of doing.

But I know I'm walking a fine line now. The mood swings. The anger. The hallucinations. The need to do bad. The craving for drama. The urge to chase the high. It's bubbling under the surface. Waiting for a chance to take over. To act before thinking.

One wrong step, and I could spiral out of control. Go back to the sex, drugs, and alcohol that once consumed my days.

Thankfully, I have my man to ground me. But I also know that one tiny little thing could blow up into a huge fight. All because of the mania. All because I'll have lost control. And he's not one for drama. He won't put up with my crap.

It's difficult, as the mania in itself can feel so great. And the greater it feels, the worse the fall will be. The worse the depression will be when I cycle back down. Because that's what it is. A constant cycle of highs then lows then highs again.

I fear this road I'm walking. I just have to hope that I've learned enough over the years to help me cope. To recognize the trouble and to be able to stop it.

So many years ago, I never knew what mania was. Never knew why I'd get so angry. Get so crazy. React with violence without thinking first. Why I was never able to even think "this is wrong." I didn't know what was wrong with me.

Now that I do, I hope to be able to fight it.