When the emetophobia began

When did it begin? That's the big question. I worked with a therapist for 2 years trying to pinpoint that moment where the phobia came about.

I know I wasn't born with it. In fact, I vividly remember being about 5 or 6 and suffering from a horrible stomach flu. My sister was caring for me while my parents were at work. She gave me soup and I thew it up a few minutes later. There was no fear. No trauma. Not even any tears. I just did it and moved on. Then I drank some 7up and threw that up minutes later too. Whatever. I crawled back into my parents bed (they let me stay there cuz the toilet is close to the bed and they had a tv) and watched tv. No panic. No fear. It was normal.

Something had to have happened that caused this phobia. And I wish I knew the one event. It's like it was so traumatic for me that I blocked it out.

Or maybe it wasn't just one thing. My therapist thinks it was a series of events. When I was 7, my sister got pregnant. She was fairly young. And I remember starting to get disturbed by her morning sickness. It wasn't super tragic yet. But I became more aware. And I remember us enjoying a pizza one day. And her running to the bathroom after barely taking a few bites. I lost my appetite too and went to my room.

Then there was the baby. Baby spit up wasn't so bad. It was such a little amount, it didn't seem to phase me. But then the baby grew up and she got bigger, so did the vomit. Good god, how can so much come out of someone so little?!

Also at this time, my dad was diagnosed with cancer. The treatments made him throw up too. Violently. We could hear it even from downstairs in the living room with the tv on. I'd turn the tv up to tune it out.

Again, back to the baby. As a toddler, she puked a lot. And the panic came. She'd throw up, and I've cover my ears and sing to block out the sound. I'd close my eyes and run for the safety of my bedroom. I would refuse to come down for the rest of the day or until we were sure she was no longer going to be sick. I also avoided where ever she threw up. I don't care how many times my mom cleaned the couch or the carpet. Didn't matter how much disinfectant she used. The spot was "tainted." For weeks, I'd also avoid my niece. And I ate very little. I would feel queasy myself. I know now that I was suffering from panic attacks and PTSD after each time she got sick.

Then there was school and shopping. Anytime I saw someone else throw up, I panicked and had to go home. The queasy feeling would return, along with the inability to eat. It's like I thought I'd catch what that person had. And as long as I didn't eat, I couldn't throw up.

I remember spending many nights awake reliving each and every time I had seen someone throw up. I would try to think of other things. But the images always came back. As did the panic. I even had nightmares about throwing up. Again, I know now this was PTSD. But back then, no one even knew much about emetophobia so no one considered PTSD,

My therapist believes that somewhere along the way, I began to associate vomiting with bad things happening. My niece coming along when my sister was still just a young teen herself. My father's cancer. Perhaps that is true. I do not know. But I never outgrew whatever it was.

And now living with a stomach condition that causes constant nausea, I now live with constant panic too. I'd love to get to the root of the problems. But considering this phobia was a learned condition that started more than 20 years ago. It may never go away...