Getting Ready

I'm seeing a GI doctor today. A specialist to figure out what's wrong with my stomach. The first step of many to find out what's wrong with me. I know that if I get my physical health back in shape, the mental health will follow.

But I'm not looking forward to it.

I ate breakfast today. And let me tell you why that's a big deal. When I know that I have to leave the house for an appointment or to run errands, I don't eat first. Because food makes me sick. And with my phobia and all, that terrifies me. I don't want to get sick stuck in public. So I don't normally eat until the errands or whatever is done. But my appointment today is very late in the afternoon. So I knew I had to eat something. Because going that long without eating will just make things worse.

Did I mention I hate doctor offices? Not only because most of the time, the doctor is not helpful. But also that I hate the waiting rooms. Anxiety plus being stuck in a tiny room, with poor ventilation, and a bunch of sick strangers hacking all over the place... Well it's not fun. And I've been warned that this office is slow. So I'll be stuck in a personal hell for at least 45 minutes to an hour. I'll take a book to read, but I'll probably just read the same sentence over and over again.

Also, this particular waiting room has no restroom. When I get panic attacks, I have to pee. Nervous bladder I guess. And it's like an every 10 minutes type of thing. Anyone else get that? Have to pee when you're anxious? Even when I know I need to leave the house in like 30 minutes for something, sometimes the peeing starts then. I keep going and I'm not even drinking anything.

I don't mind it as much once they put you in your own exam room. I feel better without the strangers and their germs and their judging eyes. Let's face, you're having a panic attack, and you're trying to appear normal and fine, but it's so obvious that you're not. And people notice. They stare. Stop staring at me! Read a bloody magazine. And for goodness sake, cover your mouth when you cough!

I got about an hour before we have to leave. It'll be a long drive in bad afternoon traffic and it's hot as hell out today. I know I'll survive this. But I don't have to like a single minute of it!