Oh how easy it would be...

That's the thought that passed through my head today while driving. Oh how easy it would be... To not look before crossing that intersection, to drive right out into oncoming traffic, to maybe take a turn too quick, or too slow. To somehow just get my car smashed to bits.

That's not healthy to think now is it? But there it was. It was such a strong thought. An urge. I had to fight hard to drive the rest of the way home in a careful manner.

I'm just so tired. Tired of fighting with doctors to get the meds and tests I need. Tired of trying to convince people that something is wrong. Tired of being rejected. Tired of the anxiety that pops up each time I have to see yet another specialist. Because that specialist is just as likely as the last to tell me, "it's all in your head."

Apparently, I'm stressing my fiance out to the point of which we bicker over stupid shit. And even his mom is upset with me for stressing out her baby. I get it. I do. I watched my father deal with bone cancer most of my life. I know how it sucks to love someone and watch them waste away. Then my dad left. He left out of pride. He left out of guilt. He left for a number of reasons that I may never really know. But being sick now myself, I can see why one might want to leave. I feel a burden. I'd go home to my mom, but she has no room for me and the pets at her place. I don't want to put a strain on my relationships. I didn't ask for this. Any of it. The bipolar disorder. The anxiety. The nausea. The body aches. The exhaustion. The confusion. The black outs. I didn't wake up and say, "hey, I think I'll be miserable today, and every day from now on."

And I just wish that maybe for a while, we could sit and deal with what my illness is doing to me. I wish I could see my therapist again. But not enough money. Even with the huge discount she gave me. Because my healthcare doesn't cover mental health. Really??? I would think they'd want less crazy people roaming around town!

Oh well. I managed to catch a cold, on top of everything else, so it's time to sleep now.

Thank you to those who have donated so far. I think we'll be able to make it another week now without being totally broke! Yay, because I like having food and electricity and my medications :)


Money can be sent to my paypal. kedralynn.amber@gmail.com