Had quite the manic outburst today. They have become rare in the past 5 years. But wow they were they ever present in the past. Real violent fits. Guess that's why I dated a guy who abused me. Cuz I could beat him back. I could throw shit at his head and it was normal. We'd tackle each other with knives in our hands. Smack each other. I used to stab holes in the walls of my childhood bedroom. I had so much rage. So much hurt. And no outlet. Except my photography.

Maybe I need to find my way back to that. Because I do carry rage. And guilt. And I have no place to let it go. My therapy isn't covered by my insurance.

So I lashed out. And it sucked. I don't want to be that messed up girl I used to be. I don't want to be lost. I don't want to be angry anymore either.

God help me find the way out of this pit. This was rock bottom. I hurt the one I love most in this world. I don't want to be that person.

I hope all these tests find something so they can fix my body. Once it's fixed, I can fix my mind too. Because 3 years has been long enough. I want to take my life back. And it won't be easy. It won't be fast. But I'll change. Same as before. I was a normal, healthy functioning person once. I can be that again.