Stress related illness

That's more or less what I'm being told. And I guess it's true. I'm always sick. But it's worse when something bad happens. Say we argue about money, bam, I'm throwing up dinner. Or I'm freaking out about yet another doctor appointment and how I do and yet don't want to go. Bam, I'm having a panic attack. I'm truly sick of the cycle. The mental illness causes the physical illness. The physical illness causes the mental illness. On and on and on.

Ok, so it's not quite that simple. My bipolar disorder has pretty much always been there. But looking back, I was sick much of my life. I have a weak immune system and always wound up with something wrong with me. It drove my dad nuts. "You're always sick!" I hear those words now, but from another man. You're always sick. We can't go out. We can't have fun. We can't go on vacation. You can't work. You can't clean house. I'm stressed. We're broke. Because you're always sick. Or too afraid of getting sick to even step outside the front door...

Each appointment gives me anxiety. And oh boy is it gonna get worse. I have to see a specialist for my stomach. Get to have the ol' colonoscopy and endoscopy. For those of you who don't have to know these things, I get to have a camera shoved up my butt and another one shoved down my throat. Thank god they sedate you. Because I'll be a hot mess. And of course, my phobia of vomiting has me terrified that the anesthesia will make me puke. Or that I'll gag on the tube and throw up. More reason to have a panic attack.

I wish I could hire a live in nurse. Or a maid. Or something. Probably not tho. I prefer to to do my suffering alone. To be by myself when I am my sickest. Having the worst panic attacks. Have the worst bout of nausea. Laying on the floor when the pain hits my legs and back. Curling in fetal position when the stomach cramps kick in. I don't want to be seen that way. I don't want to remembered that way.

Well I'm off to do more blood tests. Do you know they don't even give you juice and a cookie when they take 8 vials of blood? The juice and cookies are only for blood donors. Not those being poked and prodded like lab rats. Thankfully, I'm not driving. I'll be too dizzy.

I'm still asking for donations to help me pay for things. Money is so tight, it's like a cruel joke. You check the past entry for details.

Thank you again for your support.


Money can be sent to my paypal. kedralynn.amber@gmail.com