Productive Day

Today was a good productive day. In spite of all the comments that I woke up to today calling me an alcoholic panhandler, begging for money to support my "addiction."

First let me say that I have emetophobia. A fear of vomiting. Do you know what alcoholics do? They drink till they throw up. So guess what I don't do?! Bingo. One drink. Not even every day. Not during the day. Not in the mornings. Not until I'm drunk. Not even until I'm buzzed.

See, my doctor decided today that he didn't want to refill my anti-nausea medication anymore. I found this out today at the pharmacy when they said they never heard back from the doctor. Apparently, since I saw a specialist once, and had zero tests done, that the doctor should know what's causing my nausea by now and that I don't need the pills. You're freaking kidding me right??

I don't know what healthcare is like where some of you live. Other countries. Even outside of California. But here, the free healthcare is a damn joke. And I can't afford other healthcare because I have pre-existing medical condition which means they can charge me $600 a month if they so wanted. So, free healthcare it is! But all the doctors who accept this healthcare are over booked since now everyone was forced to get health insurance. They had to change the requirements for free health care so more people could get it. People like me. I've only had the plan for a few months now. But let's just say it's a pain in the ass. The only doctors I could find are a half hour away at least. In traffic, more like an hour.

Anyway, so I was at the pharmacy, trying to get my pills and had to call the doctor and that's when they decided I don't need the pills. The pills that I have been on for 3 years so I can eat! The pills that don't cure the nausea but take the edge off a little so I can get nourishment.

Now I have to find another doctor. I know of one that will give me the pills but she isn't covered by my healthcare and will cost $60 to see. We'll have to scrounge up some change and take in the recycling so we can pay it. But whatever we need to do, we'll do so I can have those pills. Irvin told me so. He won't let me go without. And I love him for it.

So once I dealt with that fiasco, I managed to run other errands and get everything done on my list for today. All of it! 4 different places and I didn't have a panic attack once. My mother, who helps me run errands once a week because no one wants me driving when I now black out and faint or am taking Xanax, was very proud of me. Even of how I handled the whole pharmacy pill fiasco.

Finished the grocery shopping, had lunch, did the dishes. Now it's time to give my duck a bath. And then get dinner going.

I want to thank my friends, fans and family. I was strong today because of you. And my mom. Thank you mom for reminding me that I'm a good person, with a good heart, who may have thin skin, but it comes with being mentally ill. And also she flat out told me that if she thought I were an alcoholic, she'd smack me and ground me. I'm 31 and taller than her, but she's Japanese, so I don't doubt for a second that she would ground me. Probably take away my video games or something and make me stare at the wall.

You haters may be trying to break me down. But guess what, all you did was anger me. You don't get to win. You won't break me. Because I know who I am. I know what's in my heart. I know the physical illness that plagues my body. And I know the mental illness that seeps into my soul. You empowered me.

And from this point on, non-constructive comments will be deleted.

I want my fellow suffers to come back out of hiding and continue to share their stories with me. With us. With this blog. We will talk of our hardships and our triumphs. We will share tears and laughter. But we will not judge here. We will not insult. We will not break down those who are already suffering. YOU will not break down someone who is already suffering. I won't let the dozens of people who emailed me with their stories to have to deal with it. I will be the barrier. I will speak out for those who haven't found their voices.