Guest Post - My Story

This is sent from someone who read this blog and wants to share their story with you guys, as well as with myself. Thank you for your bravery.

Hello.
First and foremost, thank you for sharing your story and writing where others can't.
I wanted to say "hang in there" but it is never enough or even insulting at times.

Your diagnosis sheet almost looks the same as mine: Bi-Polar, Depression, Panic Disorder, and phobias. I can... understand, the struggle it takes to get through each day. I read a lot of other examples or blogs people write to remind myself that I am not the only one that suffers, but your story, as I mentioned, hits almost the same path mine has taken.

You wanted to know other stories to share and know your not alone. I hope mine can give you some comfort (and others if you choose to share it). I will not go into a lot of detail, but if it can help another I will gladly share.

I grew up isolated even though I had a large extended family and many friends. There was always something off, though I was the only one that really knew it. I was outspoken around others, so much so, that I never realized it was a coping mechanism until my early twenties. I dealt with Bi-Polar and anxiety without realizing it, but my youth and desire to be away from my father was enough to get me through. (My father was not physically abusive, but emotionally.)

At the age of 18, my future mother-in-law recognized the traits of depression in me, but I refused to believe her until one day in college I could not go on anymore and the only thing I wanted to do was find a corner and cry. I don't know why or even how I ended up in the school councilor's office, but I did. From there I ended up at the mental health facility with her by my side waiting to speak to a psychologist. I hated the psychologist I first saw and almost gave up... and did because I lost my insurance that paid for it.
Long story short, for about 4 years, even after getting married, I went through the motions of therapy and meds... the only reason I never turned to self-medication was a hyper-paranoia (my term) that made me afraid of almost anything, especially drugs and alcohol since I had seen the aftermath of its misuse in some of my childhood "friends". Now out from under my father's roof I also started to feel more comfortable at home, and soon became to fear going out my home more than I did staying within. That is when the anxiety disorders presented itself in full.

Until I was 24, I took meds, refused to accept skill training and merely talked to my therapist. The meds helped the most but could not stop the worst. I ended up in the hospital many many times for suicidal thoughts, a couple of times for trying. Something in my own mind always made me seek help at the last possible minute.

I finally accepted help from the teachers in my Partial Hospitalization group... after my third time in the program. (This is where I am also diagnosed with Schizoaffective disorder but that comes and goes as it pleases...)
I went off my meds on a med holiday (to clear my system and start over), but I haven't been back on them since. (I don't recommend this for anyone - I do it because I am afraid of being suicidal again, of which I was only truly suicidal while on the meds... the whole not stopping the worst, but may have been causing it even though I was more stable in between...) I turned to skills (DBT) and my wife. I opened up to her. To this day she does not always understand or tolerate me, but she tries and strives to. This has been a big help. (Do not withhold from your boyfriend if he honestly tries to help and it seems your mother is understanding... even if it is hard.)

I eventually got on disability because I was unable to hold a job. It took 3 years and help from a professional lawyer (one that deals with helping get disability) and ALL of my doctors (regular doctor, psychologist, and psychiatrist) to get it finally. (So, do not give up hope!)

As TV us to you, video games are to me... a coping mechanism. It is also an addiction, but one that is better than substances. It has taken me years to get where I am and it is still a struggle. I am impatient to get even better so I still feel like a failure. I feel worthless and stupid for playing video games all day, or yelling or being withdrawn. But not every day, and even most days the skills can counter those feelings enough to get through them.

Keep trying and fighting the mental battle. The physical as well. As you said in one of your blogs, the mental illness leads to physical illness and back around. I deal with the same. Phantom pains I call them. Many feel like heart attacks even without a panic attack (though the panic makes it worse), but I get pains elsewhere that no doctor has yet to tell me the cause.

Thank you for your story... and your photography. I found your blog from DeviantArt. You have some very great photographs!

Because I ramble and cannot keep up with my own mind (thus the writing is fractured and sometimes incomplete - I too can understand that :P ) I will end here. I hope it may help you and others. Keep fighting.

A fellow sufferer